[Section
7]
318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel
of Christ a long time, and preached the same about five years, I was
apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country, among whom, had they
let me alone, I should have preached that day, but they took me away from
amongst them, and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered security
for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties
would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people.
319.
At the sessions after, I was indicted for an upholder and maintainer of
unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not conforming to the national
worship of the Church of England; and after some conference there with the
justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for a confession, as they
termed it, of the indictment, did sentence me to perpetual banishment, because
I refused to conform. So being again delivered up to the jailer’s hands, I
was had home to prison again, and there have lain now complete twelve years,
waiting to see what God would suffer these men to do with me.
320.
In which condition I have continued with much content, through grace, but have
met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both from the Lord, Satan,
and my own corruptions; by all which, glory be to Jesus Christ, I have also
received among many things, much conviction, instruction, and understanding,
of which at large I shall not here discourse; only give you in a hint or two,
a word that may stir up the godly to bless God, and to pray for me; and also
to take encouragement, should the case be their own, not to fear what man can
do unto them.
321.
I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the Word of God as now;
those Scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are made in this place and
state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also was never more real and apparent
than now; here I have seen him and felt him indeed: O that word, We have not
preached unto you cunningly devised fables (2 Peter 1:16); and that, God
raised Christ from the dead, and gave him glory, that your faith and hope
might be in God (1 Peter 1:2), were blessed words unto me in this my
imprisoned condition.
322.
These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshment in this
condition to me (John 14:1-4, 16:33; Col
3:3,4; Heb 12:22-24). So that sometimes when I
have been in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh at destruction, and
to fear neither the horse nor his rider (Job 39:18). I have had sweet sights
of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and of my being with Jesus in
another world: O, “the mount Zion, the heavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable
company of angels, and God the judge of all, and the spirits of just men made
perfect, and to Jesus” (Heb 12:22-24), have been sweet unto me in this
place: I have seen THAT here, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this
world, be able to express; I have seen a truth in that scripture, “Whom
having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye se him not, yet believing, ye
rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory” (1 Peter 1:8).
323.
I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, and at every
offer of Satan to afflict me, &c., as I have found him since I came in
hither; for look how fears have presented themselves, so have supports and
encouragements, yea, when I have started, even as it were at nothing else but
my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me to be
molested, but would with one scripture and another strengthen me against all;
insomuch that I have often said, Were it lawful, I could pray for greater
trouble, for the greater comfort’s sake (Eccl 7:14; 2 Cor 1:5).
324.
Before I came to prison, I saw what was a-coming, and had especially two
considerations warm upon my heart; the first was how to be able to endure,
should my imprisonment be long and tedious; the second was how to be able to
encounter death, should that be here my portion; for the first of these, that
scripture (Col 1:11) was great information to me, namely, to pray to God to be
“strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all
patience and long-suffering with joyfulness.” I could seldom go to prayer
before I was imprisoned, but not for so little as a year together, this
sentence, or sweet petition, would, as it were, thrust itself into my mind,
and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long-suffering, I must have
all patience, especially if I would endure it joyfully.
325.
As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor 1:9), was of great use to
me, But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should
not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead. By this
scripture I was made to see, that if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first
pass a sentence of death upon everything that can properly be called a thing
of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my
enjoyments, and all, as dead to me, and myself as dead to them. “He that
loveth father or mother, son or daughter, more than me, is not worthy of me”
(Matt
10:37
).
326.
The second was, to live upon God that is invisible; as Paul said in another
place, the way not to faint, is to “look not at the things which are seen,
but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are
temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Cor 4:18). And
thus I reasoned with myself; if I provide only for a prison, then the whip
comes at unawares; and so does also the pillory; again, if I provide only for
these, then I am not fit for banishment; further, if I conclude that
banishment is the worst, then if death come I am surprised. So that I see the
best way to go through sufferings is to trust in God through Christ, as
touching the world to come; and as touching this world, to count “the grave
my house, to make my bed in darkness, and to say to corruption, Thou art my
father, and to the worm, Thou art my mother and my sister.” That is, to
familiarize these things to me.
327.
But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man, and compassed with
infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children hath oft been to me in
this place as the pulling the flesh from my bones, and that not only because I
am somewhat too fond of those great mercies, but also because I should have
often brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries and wants that my poor
family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor
blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all I had besides; O the thoughts of
the hardship I thought my blind one might go under, would break my heart to
pieces.
328.
Poor child, thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy portion in
this world? Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and
a thousand calamities, though I cannot now endure the wind should blow upon
thee. But yet recalling myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God,
though it goeth to the quick to leave you. O, I saw in this condition I was as
a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children;
yet thought I, I must do it, I must do it. And now I thought on those two
milch kine that were to carry the ark of God into another country, and to
leave their calves behind them (1 Sam
6:10
-12).
329.
But that which helped me in this temptation was divers considerations, of
which three in special here I will name; the first was the consideration of
those two scriptures, “Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve them
alive, and let thy widows trust in me.” And again, “The Lord said, Verily
it shall be well with thy remnant; verily I will cause the enemy to entreat
thee well in the time of evil,” &c. (Jer 49:11,
15:11
).
330.
I had also this consideration, that if I should now venture all for God, I
engaged God to take care of my concernments; but if I forsook him and his
ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should
not only falsify my profession, but should count also that my concernments
were not so sure, if left at God’s feet, while I stood to and for his name,
as they would be, if they were under my own tuition, though with the denial of
the way of God. This was a smarting consideration, and was as spurs unto my
flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me, where
Christ prays against Judas, that God would disappoint him in all his selfish
thoughts, which moved him to sell his master: pray read it soberly (Psa
109:6-20).
331.
I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of the torments of
hell, which I was sure they must partake of, that for fear of the cross, do
shrink from their profession of Christ, his words, and laws, before the sons
of men; I thought also of the glory that he had prepared for those that, in
faith, and love, and patience, stood to his ways before them. These things, I
say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and
mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain pinching on
my mine.
332.
When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession, then
I have thought of that scripture, “They were stoned, they were sawn asunder,
were tempted, were slain with the sword; they wandered about in sheep skins
and goat skins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented, of whom the world was
not worthy” (Heb 11:37), for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and
abide amongst them. I have also thought of that saying, “The Holy Ghost
witnesseth in every city, that bonds and afflictions abide me.” I have
verily thought that my soul and it have sometimes reasoned about the sore and
sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they are exposed to hunger,
to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and
at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor forlorn and desolate sheep.
But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most delicate
reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
333.
I will tell you a pretty business; I was once above all the rest in a very sad
and low condition for many weeks; at which time also I being but a young
prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lay much upon my spirit,
That my imprisonment might end at the gallows for aught that I could tell.
Now, therefore, Satan laid hard at me to beat me out of heart, by suggesting
thus unto me, But how if when you come indeed to die, you should be in this
condition; that is, as not to savour the things of God, nor to have any
evidence upon your soul for a better state hereafter? For indeed at that time
all the things of God were hid from my soul.
334.
Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great trouble to
me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was in, I was not
fit to die, neither indeed did think I could, if I should be called to it:
besides, I thought with myself, if I should make
a scrabbling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with
quaking, or other symptoms of faintings, give occasion to the enemy to
reproach the way of God and his people, for their timorousness. This therefore
lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale
face, and tottering knees, for such a cause as this.
335.
Wherefore, I prayed to God that he would comfort me, and give me strength to
do and suffer what he should call me to ; yet no comfort appeared, but all
continued hid: I was also at this time so really possessed with the thought of
death, that oft I was as if I was on the ladder with a rope about my neck;
only this was some encouragement to me, I thought I might now have an
opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come
to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one
soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.
336.
But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter
followed me with, But whither must you go when you die? What will become of
you? Where will you be found in another world? What evidence have you for
heaven and glory, and an inheritance among them that are sanctified? Thus was
I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration
fell with weight upon me, That it was for the Word and way of God, that I was
in this condition, wherefore I was engaged not to flinch a hair’s breadth
from it.
337.
I thought also, that God might choose, whether he would give me comfort now or
at the hour of death, but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my
profession or no: I was bound, but he was free: yea, it was my duty to stand
to his word, whether he would ever look upon me or no, or save me at the last:
wherefore, thought I, the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing
my eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if God doth
not come in, thought I, I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into
eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell, Lord Jesus, if thou wilt catch
me, do; if not, I will venture for thy name.
338.
I was no sooner fixed upon this resolution, but that word dropped upon me,
“Doth Job serve God for nought?” As if the accuser had said, Lord, Job is
no upright man, he serves thee for by-respects: hast thou not made a hedge
about him, &c. “But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he
hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.” How now, thought I, is this the
sign of an upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him?
Is he a godly man, that will serve God for nothing rather than give out?
blessed be God, then, I hope I have an upright heart, for I am resolved, God
giving me strength, never to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all
for my pains; and as I was thus considering, that scripture was set before me
(Psa 44:12-26).
339.
Now was my heart full of comfort, for I hoped it was sincere: I would not have
been without this trial for much; I am comforted every time I think of it, and
I hope I shall bless God for ever for the teaching I have had by it. Many more
of the dealings of God towards me I might relate, but these, “Out of the
spoils won in battles have I dedicated to maintain the house of the LORD” (1
Chron 26:27).
Next
Section
Section
1
|
Section 2 | Section
3 | Section 4 | Section
5 | Section 6 | Section
7 | Section
8
