37.
But upon a day, the good providence of God did cast me to Bedford, to work on
my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came where there were
three or four poor women sitting at a door in the sun, and talking about the
things of God; and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to
hear what they said, for I was now a brisk talker also myself in the matters
of religion, but now I may say, I heard, but I understood not; for they were
far above, out of my reach; for their talk was about a new birth, the work of
God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by
nature; they talked how God had visited their souls with his love in the Lord
Jesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted,
and supported against the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they reasoned of
the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to each other
by which they had been afflicted, and how they were borne up under his
assaults. They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart, of their
unbelief; and did contemn, slight, and abhor their own righteousness, as
filthy and insufficient to do them any good.
38.
And methought they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake with such
pleasantness of Scripture language, and with such appearance of grace in all
they said, that they were to me, as if they had found a new world, as if they
were people that dwelt alone, and were not to be reckoned among their
neighbours (Num 23:9).
39.
At this I felt my own heart began to shake, as mistrusting my condition to be
nought; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the
new birth did never enter into my mind, neither knew I the comfort of the Word
and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As
for secret thoughts, I took no notice of them; neither did I understand what
Satan's temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood and resisted,
&c.
40.
Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I left them,
and went about my employment again, but their talk and discourse went with me;
also my heart would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their
words, both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a
truly godly man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and
blessed condition of him that was such a one.
41.
Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into
the company of these poor people, for I could not stay away; and the more I
went amongst them, the more did
question my condition; and as I still do remember, presently I found two
things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel, especially considering what
a blind, ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch but just before I was; the one
was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall
under the conviction of what by Scripture they asserted; and the other was a
great bending in my mind to a continual meditating on it, and on all other
good things which at any time I heard or read of.
42.
'By these things' my mind was now so turned, that it lay like a horse leech at
the vein, still crying out, Give, give (Prov 30:15); yea, it was so fixed on
eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of heaven, that is, so far as I
knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but little; that neither pleasures, nor
profits, nor persuasions, nor threats, could loosen it, or make it let go his
hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed a certain
truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from
heaven to earth, as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to
heaven.'
43.
'One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to whom my heart
before was knit more than to any other, but he being a most wicked creature
for cursing, and swearing, and whoring, I now shook him off, and forsook his
company; but about a quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a
certain lane, and asked him how he did; he, after his old swearing and mad
way, answered, He was well. But, Harry, said I, why do you swear and curse
thus? What will become of you, if you die in this condition? He answered me in
a great chafe, What would the devil do for company, if it were not for such as
I am?'
44.
'About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put forth by some
of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by several old
professors; some of these I read, but was not able to make a judgment about
them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon them, feeling myself
unable to judge, I should betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner: O
Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the truth from error: Lord, leave me
not to my own blindness, either to approve of, or condemn this doctrine; if it
be of God, let me not despise it; if it be of the devil, let me not embrace
it. Lord, I lay my soul, in this matter, only at thy foot; let me not be
deceived, I humbly beseech thee. I had one religious intimate companion all
this while, and that was the poor man that I spoke of before; but about this
time he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner
of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that there was a
God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety. When I
laboured to rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh the more, and pretend that
he had gone through all religions, and could never light on the right till
now. He told me also, that in a little time I should see all professors turn
to the ways of the Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I
left his company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I had
been before a familiar.'
45.
'Neither was this man only a temptation to me; but my calling lying in the
country, I happened to light into several people's company, who, though strict
in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these Ranters. These would
also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending
that they only had attained to perfection that could do what they would, and
not sin. Oh! These temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young
man, and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I hope, designed me for
better things, kept me in the fear of his name, and did not suffer me to
accept of such cursed principles. And blessed be God, who put it into my heart
to cry to him to be kept and directed, still distrusting mine own wisdom; for
I have since seen even the effect of that prayer, in his preserving me not
only from ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since. The
Bible was precious to me in those days.'
46.
And now, methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and read as
I never did before; and especially the epistles of the apostle Paul were sweet
and pleasant to me; and, indeed, I was then never out of the Bible, either by
reading or meditation; still crying out to God, that I might know the truth,
and way to heaven and glory.
47.
And as I went on and read, I lighted on that passage, 'To one is given by the
Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same
Spirit; and to another faith,' &c. (1 Cor 12:8,9). And though, as I have
since seen, that by this Scripture the Holy Ghost intends, in special, things
extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with conviction, that I did want
things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had.
On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, 'especially this word
faith put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question,
whether I had any faith or no'; for I feared that it shut me out of all the
blessings that other good people had give them of God; but I was loath to
conclude I had no faith in my soul; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall
count myself a very cast-away indeed.
48.
No, said I with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant sot, and
that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good
people have; yet, at a venture, I will conclude I am not altogether faithless,
though I know not what faith is. For it was showed me, and that too, as I have
since seen, by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state,
have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath to fall quite into
despair.
49.
Wherefore, by this suggestion, I was for a while made afraid to see my want of
faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul, but did
continually, against this my blind and sad conclusion, create still within me
such suppositions, 'insomuch' that I might in this deceive myself, that I
could not rest content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge,
whether I had faith or no; this always running in my mind, But how if you want
faith indeed? But how can you tell you have faith? 'and, besides, I saw for
certain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for ever.'
50.
So that though I endeavoured at the first, to look over the business of faith,
yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, was willing to put
myself upon the trial, whether I had faith or no. But, alas, poor wretch, so
ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew to this day no more how to do it, than
I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art, which I
never yet saw not considered.
51.
Wherefore, while I was thus considering, and being put to my plunge about it,
for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man,
only did hear and consider, the tempter came in with his delusion That there
was no way for me to know I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle;
urging those Scriptures that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and
strengthening his temptation. Nay, one day as I was betwixt Elstow and
Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing of
some miracle: which miracle at that time was this, I must say to the puddles
that were in the horse pads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be you the
puddles. And truly, one time I was agoing to say so indeed; but just as I was
about to speak, this thought came into my mind, But go under yonder hedge and
pray first, that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray,
this came hot upon me, That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do it,
and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then be sure I had no faith, but was a
cast-away and lost. Nay, thought I, if it be so, I will never try yet, but
will stay a little longer.
52.
So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had faith, which
could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that, for the present, I
neither had it, nor yet, for time to come, were ever like to have it. Thus I
was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed,
especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.
53.
About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at
Bedford
was thus, in a dream or
vision, represented to me. I saw, as if they were set on the sunny side of
some high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the
sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost,
snow, and dark clouds. Methought, also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that
did compass about this mountain; now, through this wall my soul did greatly
desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would go even into the very
midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.
54.
About this wall I thought myself, to go again and again, still prying as I
went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might enter
therein; but none could I find for some time. At the last, I saw, as it were,
a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall, through which I attempted to
pass; but the passage being very strait and narrow, I made many efforts to get
in, but all in vain, even until I was well nigh quite beat out, by striving to
get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head,
and after that, by a sidling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then
was I exceeding glad, and went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was
comforted with the light and heat of their sun.
55.
Now, this mountain and wall, &c., was thus made out to me—the mountain
signified the church of the living God; the sun that shone thereon, the
comfortable shining of his merciful face on them that were therein; the wall,
I thought, was the Word, that did make separation between the Christians and
the world; and the gap which was in this wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ,
who is the way to God the Father (John 14:6; Matt 7:14). But forasmuch as the
passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow, that I could not, but with great
difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me that none could enter into life,
but those that were in downright earnest, and unless also they left this
wicked world behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not
for body and soul, and sin.
56.
This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time, I saw myself
in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and
desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine. Now also I
should pray wherever I was, whether at home or abroad, in house or field, and
should also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the 51st Psalm, O
Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I knew not where I was.
57.
Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I had faith
in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction, here I began to find my soul to
be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness; especially with such
as these, Whether I was elected? But how, if the day of grace should now be
past and gone?
58.
By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted; sometimes
by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to speak of that about
my questioning my election, I found at this time, that though I was in a flame
to find the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from
this, yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was,
especially at some times, as if the very strength of my body also had been
taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did also seem to me
to trample upon all my desires, "It is not of him that willeth, nor of
him that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy" (Rom 9:16).
59.
With this scripture I could not tell what to do; for I evidently saw, that
unless the great God, of his infinite grace and bounty, had voluntarily chosen
me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire, and long and labour until
my heart did break, no good could come of it. Therefore, this would still
stick with me, How can you tell that you are elected? And what if you should
not? How then?
60.
O Lord, thought I, what if I should not, indeed? It may be you are not, said
the tempter; it may be so, indeed, thought I. Why, then, said Satan, you had
as good leave off, and strive no further; for if, indeed, you should not be
elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your being saved; "For it
is neither of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that
showeth mercy."
61.
By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what to say, or how
to answer these temptations. Indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus
assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence, thus to start the
question; for, that the elect only attained eternal life, that I, without
scruple, did heartily close withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay
all the question.
62.
Thus, therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and
was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I went, with
faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed
and cast down therewith, as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my
hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit,
"Look at the generations of old and see; did ever any trust in the Lord,
and was confounded?"
63.
At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul; for thus, at that
very instant, it was expounded to me, Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and
read to the end of the Revelation, and see if you can find that there was ever
any that trusted in the Lord, and was confounded. So, coming home, I presently
went to my Bible to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find
it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my
spirit, that I was as if it talked with me.
64.
Well, I looked, but I found it not ; only it abode upon me; then I did ask
first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was, but they
knew no such place. At this I wondered, that such a sentence should so
suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize and abide upon my heart,
and yet that none could find it, for I doubted not but it was in holy
Scripture.
65.
Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at last,
casting my eye into the Apocrypha books, I found it in Ecclesiasticus 2:10.
This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but because, by this time, I had
got more experience of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less;
especially when I considered, that though it was not in those texts that we
call holy and canonical, yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and
substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it;
and I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still,
at times, shine before my face.
66.
After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But how if the
day of grace should be past and gone? How if you have over-stood the time of
mercy? Now, I remember that one day, as I was walking into the country, I was
much in the thoughts of this, But how if the day of grace be past? And to
aggravate my trouble, the tempter presented to my mind those good people of
Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, That these being converted already, they
were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for
these had got the blessing before I came.
67.
Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so;
wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition, counting myself far
worse than a thousand fools, for standing off thus long, and spending so many
years in sin as I had done; still crying out, Oh, that I had turned sooner;
Oh, that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to
think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time till my soul
and heaven were lost.
68.
But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one
step more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement,
these words broke in upon my mind, "Compel them to come in, that my house
may be filled"; "and yet there is room" (Luke 14:22,23). These
words, but especially them, "And yet there is room" were sweet words
to me; for, truly, I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in
heaven for me; and, moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words,
he then did think of me; and that he knowing that the time would come that I
should be afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in his
bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find
help thereby against this vile temptations. 'This, I then verily believed.'
69.
In the light and encouragement of this word, I went a pretty while; and the
comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so
long ago, and that he should speak them words on purpose for my sake; for I
did then think, verily, that he did on purpose speak them, to encourage me
withal.
70.
'But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations, I say,
both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God
these were outweighed by that sound sense of death and of the day of judgment,
which abode, as it were, continually in my view; I should often also think on
Nebuchadnezzar, of whom it is said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the
earth (Dan 5:19). Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in
this world, one hour in hell fire would make him forget all. Which
consideration was a great help to me.'
71.
'I was almost made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts
that Moses counted clean and unclean. I thought those beasts were types of
men; the clean, types of them that were the people of God; but the unclean,
types of such as were the children of the wicked one. Now, I read that the
clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought I, they show us we must feed
upon the Word of God. They also parted the hoof; I thought that signified we
must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And also, in
further reading about them I found, that though we did chew the cud as the
hare, yet if we walked with claws like a dog, or if we did part the hoof like
the swine, yet if we did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still, for all
that, but unclean; for I thought the here to be a type of those that talk of
the Word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that
parteth with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the Word of faith,
without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout
(Deut 14).' After this I found, by reading the Word, that those that must be
glorified with Christ in another world must be called by him here; called to
the partaking of a share in his Word and righteousness, and to the comforts
and first fruits of his spirit, and to a peculiar interest in all those
heavenly things which do indeed fore fit the soul for that rest and house of
glory which is in heaven above.
72.
Here, again, I was at a very great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I
was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good?
'None but those who are effectually called, inherit the kingdom of heaven.'
But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a Christian's calling! as
when the Lord said to one, "Follow me," and to another, "Come
after me." And oh! thought I, that he would say so to me too, how gladly
would I run after him!
73.
I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I cried to
Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted
to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted
state, that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold! could it
have been gotten for gold, what could I have given for it! had I had a whole
world it had all gone ten thousand times over for this,
that
my soul might have been in a converted state.
74.
How lovely now was every one in my eyes that I thought to be converted men and
women! they shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of
heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places,
and they had a goodly heritage (Psa 16:6). But that which made me sick was
that of Christ, in Mark, He went up into a mountain and called to him whom he
would, and they came unto him (Mark 3:13).
75.
This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That
which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to me, for he
called "whom he would." But oh! the glory that I saw in that
condition did still so engage my heart that I could seldom read of any that
Christ did call but I presently wished, Would I had been in their clothes;
would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or would I had been
by and had heard him when he called them, how would I have cried, O Lord, call
me also. But oh! I feared he would not call me.
76.
And truly the Lord let me go thus many months together and showed me nothing;
either that I was already, or should be called hereafter. But at last, after
much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the
holy and heavenly calling, that Word came in upon me—"I will cleanse
their blood that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion"
(Joel 3:21). These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still
upon God, and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might
come I might be in truth converted unto Christ.
77.
About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and
to tell them my condition, which, when they had heard, they told Mr. Gifford
of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be
'well' persuaded of me, though I think but from little grounds: but he invited
me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others, about the
dealings of God with the soul; from all which I still received more
conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward
wretchedness of my wicked heart, for as yet I knew no great matter therein;
but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate for
wickedness as it never did before. Now I evidently found that lusts and
corruptions would strongly put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts
and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and
life began to fail. I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of
longing after God, now my heart began to hanker after every foolish vanity;
yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that that was good; it began to be
careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both
to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird to hinder her
from flying.
78.
Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse; now am I further from conversion
than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and
began to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid me low as hell. If
now I should have burned at a stake, I could not believe that Christ had love
for me; alas, I could neither hear him, nor see him, nor feel him, nor savour
any of his things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean,
the Canaanites would dwell in the land.
79.
Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, which, when they
heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they had as
good have told me that I must reach the sun with my finger as have bidden me
receive or rely upon the promise; and as soon as I should have done it, all my
sense and feeling was against me; and I saw I had a heart that would sin, and
'that' lay under a law that would condemn.
80.
These things have often made me think of that child which the father brought
to Christ, who, while he was yet a coming to him, was thrown down by the
devil, and also so rent and torn by him that he lay and wallowed, foaming
(Luke 9:42; Mark 9:20).
81.
Further, in these days I should find my heart to shut itself up against the
Lord, and against his holy Word. I have found my unbelief to set, as it were,
the shoulder to the door to keep him out, and that too even then,
when I have with many a bitter sigh cried, Good Lord, break it open; Lord,
break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron asunder (Psa 107:16).
Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, "I
girded thee, though thou hast not known me" (Isa 45:5).
82.
But all this while as to the act of sinning, I never was more tender than now;
I durst not take a pin or a stick, though but so big as a straw, for my
conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch; I could not now tell
how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I
then go in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog that shook if I
did but stir; and 'was' there left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and
all good things.
83.
'But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God
never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only he
showed me I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner; I saw
that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God,
and this righteousness was nowhere to be found, but in the person of Jesus
Christ.'
84.
'But my original and inward pollution, that, that was my plague and my
affliction; that, I say, at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself
within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was
more loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad; and I thought I was so in God's
eyes too; sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my
heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain. I thought now that every one
had a better heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I
thought none but the devil himself could equalize me for inward wickedness and
pollution of mind. I fell, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, deeply
into despair; for I concluded that this condition that I was in could not
stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure I am
given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind; and thus I continued a long
while, even for some years together.'
85.
'While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two
things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people hunting after
the things of this life, as if they should live here always; the other was,
when I found professors much distressed and cast down, when they met with
outward losses; as of husband, wife, child, &c. Lord, thought I, what ado
is here about such little things as these! What seeking after carnal things by
some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour
after, and spend so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I
to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning.
Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich
should I esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water; I should
count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burdens.
"A wounded spirit who can bear?"'
86.
And though I was thus troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the sight and
sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and
sense go quite off my mind; for I found, that unless guilt of conscience was
taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ, a man grew rather
worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt
lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it
off; and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be
sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also strive to
fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment for sin in hell fire
upon my spirits; and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the
right way, but by the blood of Christ, and by the application of thy mercy,
through him, to my soul; for that Scripture lay much upon me, "without
shedding of blood is no remission" (Heb 9:22). And that which made me the
more afraid of this was, because I had seen some, who, though when they were
under wounds of conscience, then they would cry and pray; but they seeking
rather present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not
how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind; and, therefore,
having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they
grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their trouble. This made me
afraid, and made me cry to God 'the more,' that it might not be so with me.
87.
And now was I sorry that God had made me a man, for I feared I was a
reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the
creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted
myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
88.
'Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of
heart, as to thank God that he had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble
by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he had made
himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, &c., I blessed their
condition, for they had not a sinful nature, they were not obnoxious to the
wrath of God; they were not to go to hell fire after death; I could therefore
have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.'
89.
In this condition I went a great while; but when comforting time was come, I
heard one preach a sermon upon those words in the Song (4:1), "Behold
thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair." But at that time he made
these two words, "My love," his chief and subject matter; from
which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these several
conclusions: 1. That the church, and so every saved soul, is Christ's love,
when loveless. 2. Christ's love without a cause. 3. Christ's love when hated
of the world. 4. Christ's love when under temptation, and under desertion. 5.
Christ's love from first to last.
90.
But I got nothing by what he said at present, only when he came to the
application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; If it be so,
that the saved soul is Christ's love when under temptation and desertion; then
poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted and afflicted with temptation, and
the hidings of God's face, yet think on these two words, "My love,"
still.
91.
So as I was a going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well
remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, What shall I get by
thinking on these two words? This thought had no sooner passed through my
heart, but the words began thus to kindle in my spirit, "Thou art my
love, thou art my love," twenty times together; and still as they ran
thus in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up;
but being as yet between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is it
true, but is it true? At which, that sentence fell in upon me, He "wist
not that it was true which was done by the angel" (Acts 12:9).
92.
Then I began to give place to the word, which, with power, did over and over
make this joyful sound within my soul, thou art my love, thou art my love; and
nothing shall separate thee from my love; and with that (Rom 8:39) came into
my mind: Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could
believe that my sins should be forgiven me; 'yea, I was now so taken with the
love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I
got home; I thought I could have spoken of his love, and of his mercy to me,
even to the very crows that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they
been capable to have understood me'; wherefore I said in my soul, with much
gladness, well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write this down
before I go any further, for surely I will not forget this forty years hence;
but, alas! within less than forty days, I began to question all again; 'which
made me begin to question all still.'
93.
Yet still at times, I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation
of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and savour of it.
Now about a week or fortnight after this, I was much followed by this
scripture, "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you"
(Luke
22:31
). And sometimes it would
sound so loud within me, yea, and as it were call so strongly after me, that
once above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily
that some man had, behind me, called to me; being at a great distance,
methought he called so loud; it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred
me up to prayer, and to watchfulness; it came to acquaint me that a cloud and
a storm was coming down upon me, but I understood it not.
94.
'Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last
time that it sounded in mine ear; but methinks I hear still with what a loud
voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I
have told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind
me; and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me,
believing that he that called so loud meant me.'
95.
But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound;
which, as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an
alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming; only it would make me muse
and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason that this scripture,
and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding and
rattling in mine ears; but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end
of God therein.
96.
For about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me,
which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came
stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another; first, all my comfort was
taken from me, then darkness seized upon me, after which, whole floods of
blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the Scriptures, were poured upon my
spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts
were such as also stirred up questions in me, against the very being of God,
and of his only beloved Son; as, whether there were, in truth, a God, or
Christ, or no? and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a fable, and
cunning story, than the holy and pure Word of God?
97.
The tempter would also much assault me with this, how can you tell but that
the Turks had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour, as we
have to prove our Jesus is? And, could I think, that so many ten thousands, in
so many countries and kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the right
way to heaven; if there were indeed a heaven, and that we only, who live in a
corner of the earth, should alone be blessed therewith? Every one doth think
his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans! and how if all our
faith, and Christ, and Scriptures, should be but a think-so too?
98.
Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and to set
some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but, alas! I quickly felt,
when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again upon me, Though we
made so great a matter of Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, but
that in very deed, he being a subtle and cunning man, might give himself up to
deceive with strong delusions; and also take both that pains and travel, to
undo and destroy his fellows.
99.
These suggestions, with many other which at this time I may not, nor dare not
utter, neither by word nor pen, did make such a seizure upon my spirit, and
did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery
force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to
night within me; and as though, indeed, there could be room for nothing else;
and also concluded, that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up unto
them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
100.
Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there was something
in me, that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I then only had,
when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle, otherwise the noise, and
strength, and force of these temptations, would drown and overflow; and as it
were, bury all such thoughts or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was
in this temptation, I should often find my mind suddenly put upon it, to curse
and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ his Son, and
of the Scriptures.
101.
Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil; at other times again, I
thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying
God the Lord with others, if I have but heard him spoken of, presently some
most horrible blasphemous thought or other, would bolt out of my heart against
him; so that whether I did think that God was, or again did think there were
no such thing; no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel
within me.
102.
These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded, that such
things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when
these temptations have been with force upon me, did compare myself in the case
of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up under her apron, and is
carrying from friend and country; kick sometimes I did, and also scream and
cry; but yet I was as bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would
carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess
him; and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his (1
Sam 16:14).
103.
In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the
Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that sin,
that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had
committed that; now, no sin would serve but that; if it were to be committed
by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken
that word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this
temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my
chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also I have had thoughts
at other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muck hill hole or
other, to keep my mouth from speaking.
104.
Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the estate of
everything that God had made far better than this dreadful state of mine, and
such as my companions was; yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of
dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul to perish under the everlasting
weights of hell for sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this,
felt this, and was broken to pieces with it, yet that which added to my sorrow
was, that I could not find that with all my soul I did desire deliverance.
That scripture did also tear and rend my soul, in the midst of these
distractions, "The wicked are like the troubled sea when it cannot rest,
whose waters cast up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the
wicked" (Isa 57:20,21).
105.
'And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have given a
thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one; no, nor sometimes scarce
desire to shed one. I was much dejected to think that this should be my lot. I
saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and others, again, could rejoice,
and bless God for Christ; and others, again, could quietly talk of, and with
gladness remember, the Word of God; while I only was in the storm or tempest.
This much sunk me; I thought my condition was alone. I should, therefore, much
bewail my hard hap; but get out of, or get rid of, these things, I could not.'
106.
While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none
of the ordinances of God but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then was I
most distressed with blasphemies; if I have been hearing the Word, then
uncleanness, blasphemies, and despair would hold me as captive there; if I
have been reading, then, sometimes, I had sudden thoughts to question all I
read; sometimes, again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and
possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor
remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.
107.
In prayer, also, I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes I have
thought I should see the devil, nay, thought I have felt him, behind me, pull
my clothes; he would be, also, continually at me in the time of prayer to have
done; break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer, still
drawing my mind away. Sometimes, also, he would cast in such wicked thoughts
as these: that I must pray to him, or for him. I have thought sometimes of
that—Fall down, or, "if thou wilt fall down and worship me" (Matt
4:9).
108.
Also, when, because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I
have laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God, then, with great force,
hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my
mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy the form of a bush, a bull, a besom,
or the like, as if I should pray to those; to these he would, also, at some
times especially, so hold my mind that I was as if I could think of nothing
else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as they.
109.
Yet, at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of
God, and the reality of the truth of his gospel; but, oh! how would my heart,
at such times, put forth itself with inexpressible groanings. My whole soul
was then in every word; I should cry with pangs after God that he would be
merciful unto me; but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as
these; I should think that God did mock at these, my prayers, saying, and that
in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after
me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he.
Alas, poor fool! how art thou deceived! It is not for such as thee to have a
favour with the Highest.
110.
Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as
these—You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame shall not
last always; many have been as hot as you for a spirit, but I have quenched
their zeal. And with this, such and such who were fallen off would be set
before mine eyes. Then I should be afraid that I should do so too; but,
thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind. Well, I will watch, and take
what heed I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I
will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith
he, though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last?
Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep. I will ply it close, but I
will have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, yet, if I
can pull you from this fire, I shall have you cold before it be long.
111.
These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find
myself fit for present death, so I thought to live long would make me yet more
unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the
evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to
wash me, both out of mind and thought; but I thank Christ Jesus these things
did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon
it, like her who met with the adulterer (Deut 22:27); in which days that was a
good word to me after I had suffered these things a while: "I am
persuaded that neither - height, nor depth, nor life," &c.,
"shall – separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ
Jesus" (Rom 8:38). And now I hoped long life should not destroy me, nor
make me miss of heaven.
112.
Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all
questioned by me; that in the third of Jeremiah, at the first, was something
to me, and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that chapter; that
though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry
unto God, "My Father, thou art the guide of my youth"; and should
return unto him.
113.
I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Corinthians 5:21: "For he
hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the
righteousness of God in him." I remember, also, that one day as I was
sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad at the consideration of my
many blasphemies, and as I was saying in my mind, What ground have I to think
that I, who have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal
life? that word came suddenly upon me, "What shall we then say to these
things? If God be for us, who can be against us?" (Rom
8:31
). That, also, was an help
unto me, "Because I live, ye shall live also" (John
14:19
). But these were but hints,
touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted
not; but, like to Peter's sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me to heaven
again (Acts 10:16).
114.
But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto
me; and, indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these
things, was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for
the temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other
Christians were.
115.
I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country and musing on the
wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering of the enmity that was
in me to God, that scripture came in my mind, He hath "made peace through
the blood of his cross" (Col 1:20). By which I was made to see, both
again, and again, and again, that day, that God and my soul were friends by
this blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God and my sinful soul could
embrace and kiss each other through this blood. This was a good day to me; I
hope I shall not forget it.
116.
At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and musing on my
wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me,
"Forasmuch, then, as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he
also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might
destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver them
who, through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to bondage"
(Heb 2:14,15). I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on
me that I was, both once and twice, ready to swoon as I sat; yet not with
grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.
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