253.
Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord’s
dealings with me, of his dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the
temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when I
first did join in fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. After I had propounded to the
church that my desire was to walk
in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them; while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was his last supper with his disciples before his death, that Scripture, “This do in remembrance of me” (Luke 22:19), was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if he plunged me in the virtue of the same. But, behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such
fierce and sad temptations did
attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme
the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that
then did eat thereof; that, lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies;
and
also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them as it went
from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation I have thought since
was, because I did not, with that reverence ‘as became me,’ at first
approach to partake thereof.
254.
Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor
ease; but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture by
which my soul was visited before; and after that I have
been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed
ordinance, and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body as
broken for my sins, and that his precious blood hath been shed for my
transgressions.
255.
Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a consumption, wherewith, about the spring, I was suddenly
and violently seized with much
weakness in my outward man, insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself
up to a serious examination after my
state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come; for it hath, I bless
the name of God, been my usual course,
as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life
to come clear before my eye.
256.
But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but
there came flocking into my mind, an
innumerable company of my sins and transgressions, amongst which these were at this time most to my
affliction, namely, my deadness,
dullness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, ‘of’ my wearisomeness in
all good things, my want of love to
God, his ways, and people, with this at the end of all, Are these
the fruits of Christianity? are these
the tokens of a blessed man?
257. At
the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon me, for now was I sick in my inward man, my
soul was clogged with guilt; now also
was my former experience of God’s goodness to me quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if
it had never been, nor seen. Now was
my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, Live I must not, Die I dare not; now I sunk
and fell in my spirit, and was giving
up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house, as a man in a most woeful state,
that word of God took hold of my
heart, Ye are “justified freely by his grace, through the
redemption that is in Christ
Jesus” (Rom 3:24). ‘But oh what a turn it made upon me!’
258.
Now was I as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream, and listening to this heavenly
sentence, I was as if I had heard it
thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities I cannot save thy soul, but
behold my Son is by me, and upon him I
look, and not on thee, and will deal with thee according as I am pleased with him. At this I was greatly
lightened in my mind, and made to
understand that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but ‘his’ looking upon Christ,
and imputing of his benefits to us, and
the work was forthwith done.
259.
And as I was thus in a muse that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, Not by works of
righteousness which we have done, but
according to his mercy he saved us, &c. (Titus 3:5; 2 Tim 1:9). Now was I got on high; I saw myself
within the arms of grace and mercy;
and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet now I cried, Let me die. Now death was lovely
and beautiful in my sight; for I saw
we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other world. Oh, methought this life is but a slumber in
comparison of that above; at this time
also I saw more in those words, “Heirs of God” (Rom 8:17), than ever I shall be able to express while I
live in this world. “Heirs of
God!” God himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw
and wondered at, but cannot tell you
what I saw.
260.
‘Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly, for
I find he is much for assaulting the
soul when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity, labouring to hide from
me my former experience of God’s
goodness; also setting before me the terrors of death and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this
time, through my fear of miscarrying
for ever, should I now die, I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself
already descending into the pit; methought, I said, there was no way, but to hell I must; but behold,
just as I was in the midst of those
fears, these words of the angels carrying Lazarus into Abraham’s bosom darted in upon me, as who should
say, So it shall be with thee when
thou dost leave this world. This did
sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which, when
I had with comfort mused on a while,
that word fell with great weight upon
my mind, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” (1 Cor 15:55). At this I
became both well in body and mind at
once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably
in my work for God again.’
261. At
another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon
me a great cloud of darkness, which
did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life;
I was also so overrun in my soul, with
a senseless, heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life
by Christ; I was as if my loins were
broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some
weakness to seize ‘upon’ my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy
and uncomfortable ‘to me.’
262.
After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this
word to sound in my heart, I must go
to Jesus; at this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set within my
view. While I was on this sudden thus
overtaken with surprise, Wife, said I, is there ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus? she said she
could not tell, therefore I sat musing
still to see if I could remember such a place; I had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting
in upon me, “And to an innumerable company of angels,” and withal, Hebrews the
twelfth, about the mount Sion was set
before mine eyes (vv 22-24).
263.
Then with joy I told my wife, O now I know, I know! But that night was a good night to me, I never had
but few better; I longed for the
company of some of God’s people that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a
precious Christ to my soul that night;
I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ; this great glory
did not continue upon me until
morning, yet that twelfth of the author to the Hebrews (Heb
12:22,23) was a blessed scripture to
me for many days together after this.
264.
The words are these, “Ye are come unto mount Sion, and unto the city of the living God, the heavenly
Jerusalem, and to an innumerable
company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the
firstborn, which are written in
heaven, and to God the judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to
Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better
things than that of Abel.”
Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to
that, and showed me wonderful glory in
every one of them. These words also have oft since this time been great refreshment to my spirit.
Blessed be God for having mercy on me.
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